Sunday, July 01, 2007
Today.Sunday.ThursWent to Partyworld KTV with the IM girls. OMG ELE and MIN can sing chinese songs!?!? I love the last song.. Spice Girls' STOP! We were jumping on the sofa, on the floor, like a group of mentally ill patients.SatWhat the hell was with last night?!?! Both Play and Taboo had super uber long queues! Like wtf?!Had to queue for an hour to enter Play. Had to queue for another hour to enter Taboo.And these were all re-entries alone!I think the whole queer community was at Tanjong Pagar yesterday.. First time the place was JAMMED PACK.And this gay guy touched me! Agrr! Agrr! I'm NOT a guy! When he realised I have breasts, he was like "Oh sorry, oh sorry!" and quickly walked away.Agrr!!SundayLet me tell you about the false god that I've been worshipping. Let me tell you about the graven image that I've been bowing in front of, and been paying homage to, and serving with my every breath. The idol that I've been calling "God" all these years is an all-knowing God. Now you'll probably tell me that the God that I thought I was worshipping - the one true God - is all-knowing. That very well may be, but this "God" of mine is not all-knowing in a kind, sympathetic, loving, etc. manner. My 'god' is all-knowing in an exacting, accusing, vindictive, and condemning way.The idol that I've been calling "God" all these years is all-knowing in order to shame and ridicule me for every error - intended or not - and every misspoken word. This god of mine digs in to me in order to mine self-doubt and self-hate, and to refine a sense of worthlessness - both worthless to others, let alone to myself.The idol that I've been calling "God" all these years is demanding. He demands perfection, even though he knows that I'm anything but perfect. He demands that I never question him about anything. Life is all predestined . . . get over it. He demands that I never question his lackeys here on earth, in spite of the fact that they are usually under-educated loudmouths; more full of themselves than even the idol whose "will" they somehow think that they're qualified to mediate to the world.The idol that I've been calling "God" enjoys punishing - both physically and emotionally. Don't believe in him? "Go to hell, then." Struggle with the ups and downs of being a human? "You're too weak. You're too lazy. You're not 'spiritual' enough (whatever that means)."The idol that I've been calling "God" can, however, pay-off like a Vegas slot machine. Need extra money this month because you wrecklessly overspent? Need a spectacular sign from above telling you whether to order the chicken or the fish at the restaurant? Need a good parking spot at a busy shopping mall? Want to change the very make-up of who you are? Want to change your sexuality? Need an exodus - a way out - a "get out of gay free" card? Well, well, well . . . here's what you do. Pray real hard . . . I mean really, really hard . . . close your eyes . . . wish real hard . . . and if you believe good enough (strange as the wording is, it is deliberate) you'll get your wish. You will have worked the system known as "God." Do everything just right, and you too will hit the holy jackpot; you'll get your miracle. You say that you've done all that and you've still not hit the jackpot? Well my friend, that's your fault. You didn't believe right. Your faith wasn't strong enough. Remember, it's your fault.The idol that I've been calling "God" is hateful. Now, I know that his followers (lackeys) do a great song-and-dance about how "God is love," and "God loved the world so much that he gave . . . ," but he seems to hate anyone who isn't like his polyester poster children. People who have made a mess of their lives don't seemed welcome in those circles. Neither do people who might disagree with them about politics, social issues, or how the Bible should be understood. And gays or lesbians being welcome??? Excuse me!The idol that I've been calling "God" doesn't like me (or people like me) . . . doesn't welcome people like me . . . doesn't want people like me . . .I now know that I've been worshipping an idol. I've been worshipping a God whose attitudes are like those of my family and the church I grew up in. I've been worshipping a God who holds the same toxic attitudes and view of myself that I hold - thoughts that are simply my continuation of the cruelty that I was subjected to as a child. I've been worshipping a God who could never love me.I've been worshipping a God that I never have nor never would present to anyone else as God. The God I share with others is the never-ending source of love, kindness, mercy, peace, forgiveness, and unconditional acceptance. The God that I share with others welcomes, supports, and blesses all.I've been worshipping something other than the true God.Maybe it's time to get rid of the idols and get a new God . . . the true God.It is only in recent times that I have finally realised, and come to terms and understanding, of accepting ME for ME.So many Christians, if not all, have been telling me that Homosexuality is a sin.Jesus had just spoken what the disciples characterized as a difficult teaching. Many who had been following Him as He taught left the path of faith and gave up on the whole Jesus thing. Jesus turns to His disciples - the twelve - and asks them if they were going to leave Him, too. The pain and hurt seem to ring out in His question. The response that Jesus gets? "Lord, to whom shall we go? You alone have the words of life."... And I say, ever so quietly, "To whom shall I go? You alone have the words of life." The words of life are in the message of a God who loves His whole creation enough to come on down here, make Himself known, and even experience human physical and emotional suffering. This is the God I have always believed in - these are the words of life. This is the central belief of the Christian faith, not the other stuff that people focus on (esp. the "Focus on the Family" crowd). God does know how I feel . . . how I struggle . . . God will not abandon me in the midst of all this emotional work I'm going through in life, and all. God will see me through it all and I will feel better about it all someday.Man will tell me that God does not accept my 'lifestyle'. (hello, please define my lifestyle, all you hypocritical christians. stop acting like holy saints on a crusade and wearing a mask of innocence to church every sunday!)..But who will I listen to? Man? Or the God I know approves of me, loves me FOR (not despite) my sexuality, and has made me PERFECT?Sorry for being so dark for this blog post. So many things and emotions have been in my head.