Wednesday, October 29, 2008

i am a Harmony-seeking Idealist (HI)

Harmony-seeking Idealists are characterised by a complex personality and an abundance of thoughts and feelings. They are warm-hearted persons by nature. They are sympathetic and understanding. Harmony-seeking Idealists expect a lot of themselves and of others. (True) They have a strong understanding of human nature and are often very good judges of character. But they are mostly reserved and confide their thoughts and feelings to very few people they trust. (True) They are deeply hurt by rejection or criticism (True). Harmony-seeking Idealists find conflict situations unpleasant and prefer harmonious relationships. (True) However, if reaching a certain target is very important to them they can assert themselves with a doggedness bordering on obstinacy. (True)

Harmony-seeking Idealists have a lively fantasy, often an almost clairvoyant intuition and are often very creative. Once they have tackled a project, they do everything in their power to achieve their goals. (True) In everyday life, they often prove to be excellent problem solvers. They like to get to the root of things and have a natural curiosity and a thirst for knowledge. (True) At the same time, they are practically oriented, well organised and in a position to tackle complex situations in a structured and carefully considered manner. (True) When they concentrate on something, they do so one hundred percent - they often become so immersed in a task that they forget everything else around them. That is the secret of their often very large professional success. (True)

As partners, harmony-seeking idealists are loyal and reliable; a permanent relationship is very important to them. (True) They seldom fall in love head over heels nor do they like quick affairs. (True) They sometimes find it very difficult to clearly show their affection although their feelings are deep and sincere. (True) In as far as their circle of friends is concerned, their motto is: less is more! (True) As far as new contacts are concerned, they are approachable to only a limited extent; they prefer to put their energy into just a few, close friendships. (True) Their demands on friends and partners are very high. (True) As they do not like conflicts, they hesitate for some time before raising unsatisfactory issues and, when they do, they make every effort not to hurt anyone as a result. (True)

a very accurate personality test.

http://ipersonic.com/index.html

Monday, October 27, 2008

Pisser. The Aussie dollar just dropped to another all time low. Damn. But there should be no regrets, I suppose, with the market so voilatile, it could be up in a spitzer.

I read an article on my company's website. Read on guys.

It says "This is the intro to the short story "The body", late made into the film "Stand by me." I had it memorized when I was in middle school, and reading it still brings back how I felt feeling unable to come out:

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it?

The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."

Like the author, reading this passage brought back memories of how afraid I was, never wanting people to know that I'm gay, and how hard it was to express it in words to my mom and my friends, because there were simply no words to best describe it.

I feared no one would understand nor accept; I feared rejection; I feared change.

I did face rejections, from my mom who expressed rather clearly that she would prefer me never to date another girl and just 'be a lesbian', to a church that is against 'people like me', and to christian friends who trid to 'show me the light'.

I saw the disdain and lack of understanding in their eyes, like as though I just stopped being the Chrys they knew and have turned into someone different.

Although I have come a long way in my journey of self-pride and self-acceptance, I still face internal-homophobia and fear everyday. Today lunch at Aunt's place was awkward, as she brought up the subject of me going back to church. I told her, I would never again step into a place that discriminates. She rebutted and said "tell me who and I'll confront them!" I wanted so badly to tell her that I'm gay, and that she might just be like one of those christians judging me. But my aunt is a fundamentalist christian, and I don't want to lose an aunt. So I am still the straight niece.

My sister is kept in the dark too. Granted, she is young, but whenever she brings up the topic of "jie, why don't you date Ronald? you two are very close.", I just don't know how to explain things to her.

She is not the only one in the dark. Every year at my Nanny's place for CNY lunch, I would pretend to be straight. Try to wear my 'straightest-looking' clothes and act my straightest. I even had to proclaim my 'straightness' when casually asked if I was seeing another girl. I hated myself for not being who I really am, but I can never come out to them. Not unless I wanna lose them.

I guess one day I would be really proud of who I am. And maybe one day, being gay wouldn't even be such a hot topic anymore.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Its the start of a long weekend- thanks to Depavali,I am earning $52 less this month! Fark.

I am currently typing out a scholarship letter and getting reference letters. I am hoping to get some form of financial aid.

Pray for me.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

So today I managed to change SGD2040 to AUD. The rate I got was 1.02, because my uncle is the GM of Mustafa so he managed to get a slightly better rate for me. So its AUD2000.

Tomorrow I'm changing another SGD2000. God please make it drop even further!

Monday, October 20, 2008

It is always when you need desperately need God's intervention that you'll feel that He can't be found. Faith is believing what cannot be seen, but I swear God, your disappearing act is one hella irritating and I wish you would just show me a way or drop me an out-of-jail card.

I hope I can get the job at McDonald's call centre. The lady called today and said HR will call me again to confirm interview date. I need a night and weekend job to supplement my day job.

$10,000- I am aiming for this. With this amount, I can live in Adelaide for about a year without working part-time.

Somehow, somewhere down the road, I believe the struggles I am facing now, my determination and a dream, will serve me well and build my character and resillence.

Sometimes, its good when things aren't handed to us on a platter. You learn to earn it and work for it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I saw these today along Orchard Road. Cute.

So today, I went down to the Australian Uni open house just to find out more about UniSA and to see whether I am able to get in to the bach. i am interested in.

Anyway, the UniSA lady said that my results were good, but because my diploma isn't exactly related, I can only maybe get a 5 credit advance. Which is fine for me, because I actually don't see the use of an accelerated study. Like what the heck can you learn?

Submitted my application, all I need to do now is to figure out a way to finance the fucking expensive education and borrow as little as possible.

Mom is such a wuse, she keeps saying "oh where are you gonna live? how are you gonna find a place? blah blah blah".

Jeez, she should know I am fucking independent and these are just small issues to me.

If I do go to Adelaide to study, I will be buying a 1 way ticket, which means I won't be back for 3 years.

Would you guys miss me? Would I miss my life here?

Monday, October 13, 2008

I am feeling troubled and just pre-occupied these days. Life couldn't be any worse I guess.

How to finance my overseas studies?

With the AUD so low now, I really wanna change as much as possible. But I only have a few K in cash to change and it is so frustrating cos I am looking at 10k and even more.

My dad is just plain useless, having even lesser money than me. Which just goes to show why I am better than him and he really is nothing.

The only person I can think of now who can loan me money is Uncle Kevin. He is kinda like my Godfather but not really. I just don't know how to approach him and discuss about money.

Like what mom said, when it comes to money, people will run away. I should know as I am those kind of people. Any friendship of mine will definitely not last should money be involved.

I am thinking of getting a second job, either night job or weekend job.

Can someone help?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I think I'm getting too old. Last night was Stefan's birthday at Butter Factory, and I just felt bored and tired. Seems like the clubbing scene is getting tiring after awhile, or as it the fact that I didn't really know the people there except Ronnie boy?

I guess its only fun when you are out with a group of close friends. Don't really enjoy hanging out with strangers.

AUDSDG is now 0.97aud is to 1sdg. Keep dropping baby!

Should I go to Hatyai alone? Twin has been banned from going, for now (see, thats the problem of still being under parent's supervision.. Thank God I'm gonna be 21 soon!)

In a bid to help my mom save money, I have been sleeping without aircon. It was a tough decision. I have been spoilt my whole life. But I guess that money could be used for something else (read: holiday, or my studies, dammit).

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Gay priest leaves empty grave October 7th, 2008

Months of debate between gay rights campaigners and the Catholic Church over whether or not the remains of a 19th century Cardinal should be dug up have been resolved by nature. Cardinal Newman’s body has entirely decomposed, leaving no trace.

The Catholic Church plans to make Cardinal Newman – who died in 1890 – a saint. His remains were to have been moved to a sarcophagus Birmingham Oratory in preparation for the process.

However, gay rights group Outrage! had opposed the plans to dig up the Cardinal’s grave. The Cardinal had made it clear before his death that he wanted to be buried with his close male friend Father Ambrose St John’s.

Newman wrote: “I wish, with all my heart, to be buried in Father Ambrose St John’s grave - and I give this as my last, my imperative will.”

There is no record of whether or not Cardinal Newman and Father Ambrose St John’s had a fully physical romantic relationship, but Newman was devasted when Ambrose died, and said that no grief of a husband or wife could be greater.

Newman wrote: “He was my earthly light… as far as this world was concerned, I was his first and last.”

Newman’s body was exhumed last week, but no remains have been found in the grave as he was buried in a wooden coffin in damp site. “Nature has thwarted the Vatican’s heartless plot to violate Cardinal Newman’s request to be buried with the man he loved, Father Ambrose St John,” said human rights campaigner Peter Tatchell.

“The Vatican wanted to rebury the Cardinal’s remains in a marble tomb, separate from St John, to dampen speculation that he might have been gay.

“Newman’s and St John’s bodies have decomposed together, uniting them forever in the same soil. They cannot now be separated, as the Catholic Church planned. Cardinal Newman’s wishes have triumphed over the Vatican’s homophobia.”

DRAMA!!!

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The best lunch I ever had at Gap.

Taking secret snapshots of the "fit model". Garment samples are worn by the fit model during fitting, and then measurements might be taken in etc. Fit models basically represent the average customer size.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

I just finished watching the debate between the 2 vice presidency candidates, Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

I was amazingly captivated by Joe Biden and the way he expressed his views. They were firm, convincing and logical.

Palin, on the other hand, fared much better than what I had expected, but her speech was just mainly focused on 4 things: Getting corruption off Wall Street, soccer moms, Alaska references, and McCain as a maverick.

Everything she said ultimately led back to 1 of those 4 topics. When asked her achilles heel, she talked about those topics. Biden, on the other hand, shows his years of experience in the senate with his answers.

He had solutions and steps, not beating around a bush like Palin.

McCain is no maverick, he left his first wife after she became disabled and married a hotter woman. How can America vote for a man with this values? A prisoner-of-war does not equate to a war hero nor a maverick.