Monday, October 27, 2008
Pisser. The Aussie dollar just dropped to another all time low. Damn. But there should be no regrets, I suppose, with the market so voilatile, it could be up in a spitzer.I read an article on my company's website. Read on guys.It says "This is the intro to the short story "The body", late made into the film "Stand by me." I had it memorized when I was in middle school, and reading it still brings back how I felt feeling unable to come out:"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear."Like the author, reading this passage brought back memories of how afraid I was, never wanting people to know that I'm gay, and how hard it was to express it in words to my mom and my friends, because there were simply no words to best describe it.I feared no one would understand nor accept; I feared rejection; I feared change.I did face rejections, from my mom who expressed rather clearly that she would prefer me never to date another girl and just 'be a lesbian', to a church that is against 'people like me', and to christian friends who trid to 'show me the light'. I saw the disdain and lack of understanding in their eyes, like as though I just stopped being the Chrys they knew and have turned into someone different.Although I have come a long way in my journey of self-pride and self-acceptance, I still face internal-homophobia and fear everyday. Today lunch at Aunt's place was awkward, as she brought up the subject of me going back to church. I told her, I would never again step into a place that discriminates. She rebutted and said "tell me who and I'll confront them!" I wanted so badly to tell her that I'm gay, and that she might just be like one of those christians judging me. But my aunt is a fundamentalist christian, and I don't want to lose an aunt. So I am still the straight niece.My sister is kept in the dark too. Granted, she is young, but whenever she brings up the topic of "jie, why don't you date Ronald? you two are very close.", I just don't know how to explain things to her. She is not the only one in the dark. Every year at my Nanny's place for CNY lunch, I would pretend to be straight. Try to wear my 'straightest-looking' clothes and act my straightest. I even had to proclaim my 'straightness' when casually asked if I was seeing another girl. I hated myself for not being who I really am, but I can never come out to them. Not unless I wanna lose them.I guess one day I would be really proud of who I am. And maybe one day, being gay wouldn't even be such a hot topic anymore.